Santa, I feel sorry for you. I know you have magic powers and all. But I fear you’d have a better chance of scaling Mount Everest blindfolded than delivering the goods on my eight year old son’s Christmas wish list this year.
When I was his age, I wanted two things for Christmas. A Barbie Townhouse and a Suntan Tuesday Taylor Doll. The latter was a rather bizarre Barbie clone in a bikini who actually turned brown if you left her out in the sun long enough. And like something out of The Exorcist, she had a rotatable scalp. If you twisted it 180 degrees and flipped her upside down, she went from being blonde to brunette.
But times have changed, Santa, and so have our kids’ taste in toys. These days you’re probably more likely to be lugging X-boxes and iPods around in your sack than a Totem Tennis set.
The thing is, my son Hayden seems to be channelling Bindi Irwin in his Christmas list this year, and I’m not sure what the protocol is on lugging live, wild animals down the chimney with you on Christmas Eve.
Allow me take you through it.
SQUIRREL: Hayden figures you can grab one of these when you’re flying over America in your sleigh. He plans to feed it with the foil pack of honey roasted cashews and Nobby’s beer nuts he pinched from the pantry.
ECHIDNA: Hayden knows you get these in Australia because it says so on the Native Animal Cards he got from the checkout at Woolies. Apparently he’s going to call it Spike and take it for walks.
GIRAFFE: Maybe you could ask the Werribee Open Range Zoo if they have one spare. We can keep it in the lounge room at home – it’s got a cathedral ceiling (though I don’t really fancy being pooped on from a great height while I’m trying to watch The Bold and The Beautiful).
MOTH: Check around the fluorescent lights in our shed, Santa. My husband says there are hundreds of the little buggers in there. Hayden’s promised to give his moth a good life (he plans to keep it in a plastic container next to his bed and feed it mouldy bread).
BULLDOGS DIARY: Hayden loves football and he loves writing down the dates his beloved Bulldogs play, so this one’s a bit of a no-brainer.
FOOTBALL: Refer to number 5.
BEACH 8 SIGN: You’ll find these down on the beach at Inverloch, Santa. Dirty great big sheets of metal, they are, warning people to keep their dogs on a leash. Maybe Bass Coast Shire Council won’t mind if you take just one.
So that’s pretty much it, Santa – this year’s Christmas Wish List from my very own little Wildlife Warrior.
Bear in mind, though – Hayden says it’s just his first draft. It could change completely tomorrow.