A huge step…for both of us

Gus
Darling Rascals

I’m entering this week with a heavy heart…

You see, my biggest boy is starting school for the first time and I’m not coping to put it lightly.

Some parents might see this as something to celebrate, and yes while there is a lot to be excited about, I feel like I’m in mourning.

Actually the best word I have to describe the way I’m feeling is sort of homesick.

I feel homesick for the days I will no longer have with my boy. So much so that even writing those words makes me teary.

Granted I’m choc-o-block with hormones (thank you newborn) and I’m sleep deprived (thanks again newborn) so I’m an emotional wreck regardless, but this, this giant step into another chapter, is sending me spiralling out of control.

When Angus was born 6 years ago he changed my life forever. I kissed my job as a radio news presenter good-bye and embraced motherhood with open arms. For 22 blissful months, before his little brother arrived, we spent our days visiting parks, sipping coffees and baby-chinos, visiting friends, napping, and cuddling. Just the two of us.

Our days together

Our days together

Of course there were hard days, days were I struggled and slogged through, but mostly the days were perfect.

You see, Angus opened up a part of me I never knew I had. A happiness I never knew possible. A love I only ever imagined.

Natural Saffie

His brothers, and now his sister have only cemented that love and made my job, as their mother, such a privilege.

But now, I have to hand over the reigns, if only for part of our week, and I don’t think I’m ready, even if he is.

I feel greedy. Greedy for our all consuming time together, to never end. I know I will long for the all day football commentary which has at times driven me up the wall. The constant demands for another vegemite sandwich. Even the unreasonable fights over lego. I will miss it all.

But what kind of mother would I be, if I never let him go? As much as it pains me to do so, my role of loving him so much, means I have to encourage him to take these steps, so that he grows as a person.

If the time ever comes, that he happens to read this, I want him to know, that the last 6 years have been the best of my life. And the house won’t be the same, for those 5 long days a week, without our Gussy in it.

My beautiful Gus

My beautiful Gus

To all the prep mums out there…good luck this week, and know that you won’t be alone in your tears and mourning, but we’ll get through this together.

And for those not there yet, my advice is this, soak up every moment, even the infuriating ones, because you will blink and it’ll be gone.

The days are sometimes long, but the years are short.

Erin xxx

3 Comments on “A huge step…for both of us”

  1. Sue Landry

    Oh Erin I feel I understand where you are coming from. My boys are 7 and 8 now but I still get sad at the end of the holidays as I love having them home even when they a fighting or teasing or nagging each other. And I remember driving away from kinder for the last time bawling my eyes out as that chapter was closing. And I still find it hard giving up the reins to the school when that has been my job exclusively for so long. My only advice is really dark sunglasses and tissues in the car/ pockets for the trip home

  2. Jen

    I totally understand!! I felt it for all three of mine Primary and Secondary school!! Now I feel it as my Grandchildren continue on their journey. Very hard to let go. Thinking of you always but especially this week. Xx

  3. Kerry

    Just saw this post Erin and I agree with Sue and you. Even though my 3 girls are 19, 14 & 9, I still get upset when school hols end. I’ve gone back to work but get the school hols…..and count down the term days until we can enjoy our 2 weeks of no routine, lying around in PJ’s, eating when we like, not having to obsess about bedtime (not that we’re good at that anyway!!!), spending time with each other (even if we do get on each other’s nerves!). I also love the occasional sick day with them. Not when they’re so sick I need to worry, but sick enough they need me to be with them, take care of them, stop the world and get off just long enough for them to get better. I just don’t think our culture does this kind of ‘end of an era’ (last birth, last breastfeed, last play group session, last kinder session, last day home with the family before school starts) grief very well at all. We often have to ‘closet grieve’ coz so many other Mums are fist pumping the air and having celebratory glasses of Chardonnay as their little ones power thru those early years and finally end up at school…….’off their hands’, and now they can get back to their normal life. How is your life ever going to be ‘normal’ again…..mine was changed beyond belief and totally for the better, by three miracles sent from Heaven and I loved my time with each one of them so, so much, before they went off to start school. You do kinda get used to it Erin (although I still mourn those pre -school days)…..but I totally get how you feel. xx

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