I recently received a text message that left me feeling like I may faint or vomit or both.
It was confrontational to say the least. Something I am not. In fact I avoid it like the plague.
I won’t go into the details because it wouldn’t be fair to air this dirty laundry but I will tell you that it took me right back to being a little girl, desperately trying to understand why somebody doesn’t like me.
I’ve spoken about my anxiety before and this is by far a huge trigger of mine.
I was painfully shy as a child and teenager which was often mistaken for snobbery or rudeness. Something that isolated me from the school cliques.
But the truth is all I wanted was to be liked.It carried over into my career where I was bullied in my early radio years. Again left wondering why this person disliked me so fiercely.
In my head I asked myself what I had done wrong to illicit such behaviour. The sensible part of me said “nothing, it’s not you, it’s them” but the irrational, emotional part of me still felt like I’d caused it.
I thought I’d grown out of it but I haven’t. There’s a huge part of me still desperate to please. Desperate to be liked. Desperate to be accepted.
I go above and beyond for it. To my own detriment. Because sometimes no matter how hard you try, someone may not want what you’re selling.
And this is where I’m now at. Here again, feeling like that little girl, wondering why someone, a person who doesn’t and shouldn’t matter to me, doesn’t like me.
So I’m writing this down now, to say no more. No more will I let these people dictate how I feel about myself.
I am so whole heartedly loved by people who matter. The most important people to me, see me for who I am.
And that is all that should matter. And that is all I will let matter, from this point on.
Thank you for listening. Xx