There was a time pre-kids that my life consisted of everything and anything you could imagine. Working in a newsroom I was exposed to the weird and wonderful, the sexy and scary, the horrific and heroic…and that was just the staff that I worked with! No, but seriously, I was privy to every little bit of news that happened. It was exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. Some days I would literally come home with the weight of the world on my shoulders and spend hours trying to unwind, or forget those horror news days that you never want to relive.
But I loved it. And I think I was good at it.
Fast forward to now, and if you asked me what was happening in the world, I couldn’t tell you. Ok that’s a lie, I might be able to rattle off a few bits and pieces but most likely they will be stories that I’ve merged together to become one, while I feed my toddler toast or burp my baby.
I feel clueless.
The reality is that my world now begins and ends within the confines of my home. The daily tasks of looking after two kids, “keeping house” (I use that term very loosely!!) and being a wife, now define me. And I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I couldn’t be more proud of what I do, but when I tell new aquaintances, their reaction is usually along the lines of “so you just stay at home with the kids now?” It’s the just part that doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s all to do with my own insecurities. I know that, and I accept that. I don’t feel as smart as I used to be. Talking to a toddler all day every day will do that to you! I feel like I lack confidence. I am terrified about holding grown up conversations with people. I worry I will have nothing worthwhile to say. I don’t want to be that mother who can only talk about her children (as beautiful and amazing as they are.)
There’s nothing about my new life that I would want to change. I adore being a stay at home mum and being there for my children day in and day out. But some days I wonder, if my brain will forever be in mummy mode…or will it return to the days of old?
Has this happened to you? Or you as quick and smart as you used to be, pre-baby?